When The Booze Ain't Working
by Xarn
Summary: Ever wonder what REALLY went down after Kidd abandoned Mayu on that island? Well now you know. Rated M for language


Please Note: I do not own One Piece, OOC Kidd, or the old man version of myself [Though I wish I did]. I wrote this because I am addicted to crack and Meggo wanted something to snort.

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Working at a bar has its perks. Booze all around you, hot women giggling within swooping range, men getting drenched in fountains of sake. With a reputation of being a bartender ready to kick your sorry ass out the door, my tavern doesn't see a lot of trouble, which is great because pirates and marines are whiny bitches. Yeah, bars are pretty nice. At least they are until some asshole decides to drown his sorrows in alcohol on your time.

Like that one guy I got. I'd say he was about 6 foot 2, buff as hell, probably beat the shit out of me if I pissed him off. Looked cocky as fuck too, but instead of picking up that sexy lady at the end of the bar, decided to slump into a seat, middle of my counter, and demanded the strongest drink I had. Damn pirates and their problems.

"What's got your panties in a bunch?" I asked for the sake of curiousity as I poured his drink. He glared at me, but only grunted. I slid the pint over to him. Almost missed the handle as he reached for the mug, I'd wager that wasn't his first.

"Looks like this isn't your first drink of the night, huh?" I leaned onto the counter and gave him a once over. Deflated red hair, crooked goggles that were about to slide down his face. "Rough night I take it?"

He merely rolled his eyes and chugged the rest of his mug.

"Another," he groaned, leaning against the bar. I filled up a jug and passed it over.

Rough night my ass. I bet he was just one of those asshats that stole booze, thinking you get drunk enough and you're off the hook for the bill. Not under my roof.

I was getting reluctant to continue with fueling his demands. After the bar fight earlier that day and a passed out woman getting dragged out the door by a desperate looking marine, I didn't feel like getting jewed out of some beli either.

I slumped against the bar, "What's your name, kid?" I asked.

He hunched in his chair and plopped his forehead onto the counter. I briefly wondered how much that hurt, considering he had goggles still there.

"Why the fuck are you asking when you already know, old man?" He didn't sound amused. Actually, he seemed pretty damned monotoned. I looked at him confused. His cheek was squashed against the wood of the bar; his eyes shut tight, goggles still askew.

"Soooo ... your name is ... Kid? As in a four year old crying for mommy to make him a sandwich?"

This so called Kidd pushed his head up and rested his chin on the edge of the counter.

"I didn't cry," Kidd muttered. "I just stomped around like a man ..."

I snorted at that. Cocky bastard and booze make a pretty nice pair. Reason two why pubs are so nice; alcohol defeats all reason giving entertainment for the night.

I smirked, "Okay Kidd. So why the long face? A cocky pirate like yourself drinking your problems away? Shark eat your leg?"

He smashed his face back to the counter.

"You know what happened? I got mind raped by a fucking ninja. Stowed away on _my_ ship, seduced _my_ crew, slept in in _my_ quarters. Finally ditched the damn thing and now my mind is ..." He stuck his tongue out and blew a raspberry into the air, crossing his eyes along with the motion.

"She sure sounds like a pistol," I couldn't help but chuckle at his outburst. A woman affecting _this_ man? Really? A pirate that probably had the strength to tame the New World? That woman must have been from Amazon Lily.

Kidd ignored my remark and continued mumbling to himself. I tended to the last customer at the other end of the bar. Occasionally I'd hear a few words.

"Stupid sun-touched hair ... piercing gaze ... Seductive legs ..."

I handed the old man his sake and returned to Kidd. The poor lad had resumed his whimpering.

I always thought the only way to mend a broken heart was to drown it in booze, but seeing how resilient that guy was to the affects, I began to doubt it.

"You know what you need? You need to get out there and travel. Find your paradise. Go party with your crew." What he really needed was to get over it. No woman was worth the hassle. Not one that I've met anyway.

In my 56 years of living, never had I come across someone that made the world stop for me. Maybe that's why I was rotting in a tavern in the middle of nowhere giving love advice to goddamn pirates.

The kid looked up. His red eyes blaring "**I'M NOT A MAN**!" I turned away and went to crack open another barrel. If he was going to cry like a woman, might as well die like a man through alcohol poisoning.

I walked into the storage room, when I heard the bell on the front door ring. I peeked out the window to see who it was. A woman about 5' 6 with blond hair hugging her shoulders walked over to the bar. Her legs looked amazing in her booty shorts. Not that I noticed for I was an old man ... Nope, those were some seductive limbs she had. Not to mention her hazel eyes, just staring down the counter like she expected something from it.

"Wait a second," I thought right before I burst through the door to take the woman's order.

As I handed it to her I noticed Kidd tense up. So it _was_ his girl. no wonder he missed her. A woman who actually looked like she could take care of herself? In this day and age, something like that rarely came along.

I leaned over to him, "So that the girl?" I whispered.

He twisted in his chair so as not to gain her attention. " 'Course not. Why the hell would she be way the hell out here? I abandoned her on a deserted island in the middle of the ocean miles away from here." He glanced over his shoulder just to make sure.

"Oh God. What if it is her? Should I talk to her? I was a total dick." He noticed my raised eyebrow. "I mean _she_ antagonized _me_! She hid in my pickles, then befriends **my **loyal crew. What the hell was I _supposed_ to do? Let her stay on my ship? No fucking way, man. That would have only caused more problems."

All the whispering had caught the girl's attention.

"Oi, barkeep. Could I get another round, please?" She asked, batting her eyelashes.

I patted Kidd on the head, poor lovesick puppy.

"Sure thing, sweetie."

Every so often I'd see Kidd scoot over a chair. Going for the kill I suppose. I wished him good luck before retreating to the end of the bar.

"Hey, uh ..." I heard him stutter, still keeping his voice low. Kidd kept his face turned away from her, embarrassed. The way he ruffled his hair in an awkward manner was almost pitiful. "Mayu ... Okay, you're ignoring me. That's fucking fine too. I was a total dick. But I'm glad you're okay ..." His cheeks began to redden. From the sake, I wasn't so sure. "Okay, I _really _don't usually say this, but as a woman ... you don't piss me off. I mean you piss me off, but not like those other chicks that are so demanding and refuse to shut the fuck up when a man is talking." He pounded his fist on the counter.

"Mayu, I want you to come back on my ship. I don't care that you contaminated my pickles, or became Eddie's mother. I miss ... Don't make me say it. I ... I miss ..." Kidd sighed deeply.

Mayu turned her head to look at him. "Sorry, but who the fuck are you?"

Kidd whipped his head around. I heard him inhale sharply.

"My bad ... thought you were someone else. I'm just going to uh ... go sit back over there. Yeah."

Kidd scuttled back over to his original seat.

"Well fuck! Old man, Bring me more!" Not amused was he. Not all that there either. Twelve glasses plus whatever he had taken before hitting my place, I was amazed he hadn't passed out yet. Liquor must of ran deep in his veins.

"Kid, I think you should slow down. It's going to bite you in the ass, the way you're going ..."

He banged his fist on the counter. " I am Captain Eustass Kidd. I can have whatever the fuck I want!"

Man was that guy annoying. First depressed, then angry, timid, back to deflated, and now on a rampage.

"BRING ME MOO~RE!" I could hear him shout as I slipped into the back. The bell rang once again and saw hot 'Not Mayu' leave along with the old man. Captain Anger Management on the other hand was swinging tables around, then tossing the chairs right after.

'Just fucking great," I thought. 'Tonight just isn't my night.'

"Why doesn't she want me? I let her find her goddamn brother. I fed her. Let her stay on my ship. WHY?" He whacked a chaire against the last standing table, shattering both.

I burst through the door, stormed over to his slumped form and smacked him upside the head. His head was hard as rock and I knew I'd feel the pain in the morning, but for that moment I wanted to feel the satisfaction on getting his sorry ass out of my bar.

"Okay Captain! Get your ass out of here and throw me enough beli to fix this fucking place since you TRASHED it!"

He didn't answer. I tapped my foot and waited ... and waited.

"Answer me you asshat!"

"Why won't she love me?" He whined. "I'm good looking right? I mean women flock over my fluffy jacket and check out my goggles. They scream manly." He rolled onto his knees, "You think I'm handsome, right?"

Eustass looked up at me with his puffy puppy dog eyes. He did look cute in a rock band meets lovesick dog kind of way.

"Sure kid, you blow womens' minds away. Now get the hell out of here and go tell Mayu whatever you tried to tell that other girl. I'm sure she'll make _all _your pain go away. Just get the fuck out of here. Seriously." I put on my unamused face.

Captain Kidd slowly stood up and dusted off his hippie pants.

"You know what? You're right!" He took a swig out of a miraculously unbroken mug off the floor and smacked his lips. "Old man, you must have been a lady killer in your day." He threw me a pile of gold and practically skipped out the door. If I didn't know better, I'd say he clicked his heels.

I took the coins and sighed. Damn pirates and their problems. But hey, bars are still pretty nice. Sure you get the occasional lunatic who is so drunk, you'd think someone smuggled out his pea-sized brain for a baboon's, but that's the cost of entertainment; putting up with the dumbasses. One thing is for sure, my dad wasn't lying when he said booze wasn't made for kids.

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**A/N: **This story sucks, I realize that. However, this story isn't to appease YOU. It's here for my darling Meggo's amusement. That and to make my profile not nekkid. BASK IN THE UTTER FAIL!


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